Seasons of Love

RENT. Yes, one of my all time favorite musicals. Well guess what? The senior class definitely butchered the shit out of that song. Yeah, I do like our version a lot, it definitely describes us but it was a terrible rendition. Plus, I'm pretty sure I got a solo in there which makes it even worse. Not a good idea for Amber to be put in charge of the music.

Anyways, I've really been trying since Festival of Trees to get in the Christmas mood, even changing my ringtone to a Christmas song (All I Want for Christmas is you by Mariah Carey, duh one of my favs). I was really excited to have the holidays at school plus I love spending time with my friends at school and giving them ridiculous presents that only my weird ass, creative mind could come up with (oh yeah definitely failed on the gifts this year sorry boys). But, that's OK because I know they love me anyways. I always look forward to coming home and sitting by the tree cuddled in a blanket, watching TV. I've done A LOT of that already. I've enjoyed it quite a bit actually, but I think that working in retail with all the Grinches of the holiday coming to celebrate by getting gifts that people will never use/wear is really hindering my happiness.

I've come to realize that I am really not that sociable of a person, I like to keep to my close friends, and just listen and watch the rest of the people around. Correct me if you think this is untrue. I guess most people can kind of see that I'm not the most opening of people, but it's because I have a lot of trust issues. I don't like to open up because I am afraid of being hurt. Not that other people aren't afraid of being hurt either, but I'm just quicker at closing myself off to people. I mean I'm pretty sure I know why, but it's kind of sad that people who barely know me have noticed that I do this. People who know a lot about me notice this too, it's just strange when you hear it from multiple people in a short time span.

As much as I say I don't care about how other people perceive me, I really do. I kind of think that's absolutely disgusting actually. I don't want to care; I guess that's why I come off as a loner because I don't want to give people the chance to judge me.
Who knows. Just some things I've noticed lately. I don't want to be closed off to people, but I've noticed myself doing just that through many time periods in my life. I don't want to do that to my college friends, and I'm almost afraid that what I've done to other people might actually happen to me with all of the people I've grown close to in the last couple of years. I'm going to try harder. I don't want to cut myself off anymore.

Into the Caverns of Tomorrow with just our Flashlights and our Love

At the Bottom of Everything could quite possibly be my favorite Bright Eyes song. Not many of you may know my obsession with the band Bright Eyes, but it runs long and hard (that's what she said). I do have to thank my ex-boyfriend Zach for introducing me to the band that has been one of the most impacting of my life. I mean, one of my tattoos is based off of lyrics from We are Nowhere and It's Now and I couldn't be happier about that life choice.

Anyways, back to the basics of that line. I just feel the need to really push forward lately, ready for what the next day brings me. It just reminds me to come back to what I should really be concentrating on. I shouldn't worry about the craziness, I should be ready to jump in to the next crazy thing. With all of my Love and Passion even if the future is dark and unknown.

Can I just say that I love the word passion? Strange I know, and I'm sure this blog is pretty much pointless, but I just felt it needed to be written. I'm jumping in head first in to the unknown and I'm excited about it! I feel like I'm finally getting to a point in my life where I can appreciate it and step back and watch things as they happen.
I'm ready for whatever is coming.
Bring it.

Last Dance With Mary Jane, One More Time to Kill the Pain

I love Tom Petty. A Lot. I can honestly say that "Last Dance with Mary Jane" is my all time favorite song by him, and I can never get enough of the video. I know it's creepy but I used to watch it on VH1 all the time, there's always been something about it that has pulled me in. Odd because maybe that song has a few undertones of marijuana? OK maybe more that a few. Interestingly I have NEVER done marijuana in my life.

I used to be extremely against it. Not because I was one of those hardcore kids who stayed in the DARE program for life (not that I have anything against that), but because of all the things my dad had been through and the stories he told me of his friends. My dad did A LOT of pot, and a lot of other things too. Many a times he still tells me he should have kept with dope instead of working as a mechanic (hahahaha). But, the stories he's told me about what happened to him while he was doing drugs, the things that are happening or happened to his friends that killed them, it just hasn't appealed to me. I am very worried that I have the addictive personality that he does and if I tried it I would become addicted to it.

Now that's not saying I don't think about trying it. I mean I feel like a hypocrite because I drink and that's just as addictive as marijuana. I guess I'll give you some of the examples of what I mean. My dad's best friend committed suicide pretty quickly after my dad got married, he had always had a lot of anger issues, but one day he just up and left. My dad has always connected that with drugs, but I've honestly never heard the full story because not many people want to talk about what happened. One of my dad's other best friends died 2 years ago from Diabetes. Diabetes at 50, that was so bad that he couldn't even move up and down stairs, all linked back to the way he treated himself and his body through the use of drugs.

So no, it's not a whole moral thing that I'm against it, I'm just scared to death of the consequences of it. I guess I'm following my father's footsteps, and staying away from it to set an example of life and how it can be enjoyable without drugs. I can't ever imagine the pain my dad has gone through and is going through with all of this. For all of you out there that has asked me to try it, or wanted me to, this is my reasoning as to why I've held back for so long. I do hope you understand.

Tonight the Headphones Will Deliver You the Words That I Can't Say

Yes, I was a fan of Fall Out Boy when "Take This to Your Grave" first came out, back when they were still playing shows at our local spot, Mojoe's (the original location on 95th Ave, when smoking was still allowed in public places, yes that long ago). I can't help loving the songs off that album, plus it was close to home since they're from Chicago. And believe me when I say it, Chicago is SO two years ago, just kidding. haha OK, I'm done being a dork and loving on my old Fall Out Boy days. Seriously though, they suck now, unbelievably. I've never been so sad at how a band hit it big (probably the hipster coming out in me, duh). I do miss my days of hanging out at local coffee shops and listening to the next big hits of the are and of course seeing them before they ever got big, yeah I'm proud of that!

This is now the "Emo" coming out in me, you know that annoying kid in high school who always used song lyrics to describe their life? Yeah, that was me, well actually still is me since I'm writing a blog on song lyrics. I find that other people's words just make so much more sense than anything that I could ever say. I bite my tongue because I know I am not the best with words (ask my friends, I am always forgetting the words I want to say). I find myself even more worried about how my words come across. I used to be the quiet one in the back of the room who just listened to everyone. I let people push me around. Since I've come to college, I've pushed myself to be the exact opposite, speaking my mind and not giving a shit to what other people think. This hasn't been the best method to go about things and I'm started to change how I approach people. I do feel like it's made a difference in how people first perceive me. I guess the most important thing I'm trying to say here is: I'm a work in progress.

I'm sorry if I haven't always done things the right way, or they way you want me to. But, guess what? That's a part of human nature. If you can't forgive or can't move on, I don't really want you in my life than either. I've given a lot, and haven't received a lot in return. I'm realizing, once again, that I can't trust that other people will show me the same respect that I try to show them. That always bites to find out. At least I've found a few that will, and I want to thank you all for that. If it weren't for you people, I wouldn't know how to live life. I would have no passions. I would have no goals. Life would be meaningless, just like those damn hipsters think (lol I had to say it).

Bottom Line, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes.

How Can I Make It Through All the Things You Do?

I absolutely love the song "Addicted" by Saving Abel. Yeah, it might not be super PC, but I can't help loving that song. It just really describes to me what it's like to be completely infatuated with someone, but at the same time not really knowing them. I think I was very much like that for a long time with the people I was attracted to. But, lately it seems that the only people I actually want to start a relationship with are the ones I've been friends with for a long time. Even then, I still feel like I don't know them well enough!

I guess some people find it weird, or wrong that I always fall for the people I am closest with. And yes, it's been kind of dangerous because sometimes it does ruin friendships (which sucks terribly, let me tell you). But, I can't help being attracted to the people I spend most of my time with, I mean you already know you like their personalities, right?

Maybe not, it seems sometimes you think someone is one way and they turn out another. I don't really know what to expect anymore, when I was younger I used to think I would never be with someone I knew because some stranger would come in to my life and sweep me off my feet. But, honestly it's been my friends who've surprised me and have swept me off my feet. Well, for right now I'm OK with that. :)

It May Be Years Until the Day My Dreams Will Match Up With My Pay

Feist is pretty much my favorite to listen to when it gets close to the Christmas season. I can't really explain it but she just gives me that feeling. So now that it's after Halloween it's more appropriate to listen to Christmas-like music. This one is from her album Let it Die, a song called "Mushaboom" the first song I ever heard by her because I heard Conor Oberst's cover of it.

Well now that I'm freaking out about graduation and having a career, I find this song to be very fitting. I have a lot of big dreams for my life, and I feel like lately I've been really living out of my means. It didn't really hit me until last year, going in to Junior year of college that I realized HOW MUCH debt I was already in. Yes, it was the better decision to go to an extremely expensive Liberal Arts school instead of a state school and it is still a better option. But, part of me wishes that I would have done community college and gotten an associate's degree until I could pay for my education.

I know it will be worth it when I finally land a position because of the connections I have made here, but I'm still nervous as hell that it won't be for a very long time. I know I've been able to do A LOT of things through this school and I am so thankful for those things. I should just appreciate what I've been dealt with and take the debt as it comes. Maybe one day I will actually be able to travel to New Zealand with my best friend to see a girl that after two weeks, I felt like I knew better than most people in my life. It may not be a year after I graduate from undergrad but maybe sometime in the future. Here's to hoping that at least this dream will come true.

There's Always Something More You Wish He'd Say

I told you I wasn't going to stop with the 90's music, and today brings me to Vertical Horizon. They've actually been a recent rediscovery for me and I'm so glad I had that because they've brought a lot of happiness to me life :-).

Anyways so to the point at hand. I'm sure many girls have had the same feelings as I have regarding this, always waiting for more from the guy your madly crushing over at the moment. There is always that point when there's a break in the conversation and you're not sure what else to say and he's not adding to the conversation. Time to cut it out and stop wasting your time? I'm really not sure the guy's point of view on this. Sometimes I feel like I can read guys really well (I've always had a lot of close guy friends) but there are always these points when I'm just clueless.

I truly wonder if any guys have every felt the same way, wondering if they are wasting their time on these girls who just aren't carrying a conversation, or are not saying the things you want them to say (umm duh will you date me? will you be mine? haha or the guys point of view... will you make out with me??). I don't know why I keep wasting my time on things like this, but I guess it's the excitement of when you finally get an answer you like. So for now, I'll just sit back and try to wait for the excitement to finally return to my life again. Doubt it will happen any time soon.

But, here's to wishful thinking (or what I like to refer to as being hopeless romantic) that one day it will be "just like the movies." (and hell yes that was another Katy Perry reference.