Seasons of Love

RENT. Yes, one of my all time favorite musicals. Well guess what? The senior class definitely butchered the shit out of that song. Yeah, I do like our version a lot, it definitely describes us but it was a terrible rendition. Plus, I'm pretty sure I got a solo in there which makes it even worse. Not a good idea for Amber to be put in charge of the music.

Anyways, I've really been trying since Festival of Trees to get in the Christmas mood, even changing my ringtone to a Christmas song (All I Want for Christmas is you by Mariah Carey, duh one of my favs). I was really excited to have the holidays at school plus I love spending time with my friends at school and giving them ridiculous presents that only my weird ass, creative mind could come up with (oh yeah definitely failed on the gifts this year sorry boys). But, that's OK because I know they love me anyways. I always look forward to coming home and sitting by the tree cuddled in a blanket, watching TV. I've done A LOT of that already. I've enjoyed it quite a bit actually, but I think that working in retail with all the Grinches of the holiday coming to celebrate by getting gifts that people will never use/wear is really hindering my happiness.

I've come to realize that I am really not that sociable of a person, I like to keep to my close friends, and just listen and watch the rest of the people around. Correct me if you think this is untrue. I guess most people can kind of see that I'm not the most opening of people, but it's because I have a lot of trust issues. I don't like to open up because I am afraid of being hurt. Not that other people aren't afraid of being hurt either, but I'm just quicker at closing myself off to people. I mean I'm pretty sure I know why, but it's kind of sad that people who barely know me have noticed that I do this. People who know a lot about me notice this too, it's just strange when you hear it from multiple people in a short time span.

As much as I say I don't care about how other people perceive me, I really do. I kind of think that's absolutely disgusting actually. I don't want to care; I guess that's why I come off as a loner because I don't want to give people the chance to judge me.
Who knows. Just some things I've noticed lately. I don't want to be closed off to people, but I've noticed myself doing just that through many time periods in my life. I don't want to do that to my college friends, and I'm almost afraid that what I've done to other people might actually happen to me with all of the people I've grown close to in the last couple of years. I'm going to try harder. I don't want to cut myself off anymore.