Seasons of Love

RENT. Yes, one of my all time favorite musicals. Well guess what? The senior class definitely butchered the shit out of that song. Yeah, I do like our version a lot, it definitely describes us but it was a terrible rendition. Plus, I'm pretty sure I got a solo in there which makes it even worse. Not a good idea for Amber to be put in charge of the music.

Anyways, I've really been trying since Festival of Trees to get in the Christmas mood, even changing my ringtone to a Christmas song (All I Want for Christmas is you by Mariah Carey, duh one of my favs). I was really excited to have the holidays at school plus I love spending time with my friends at school and giving them ridiculous presents that only my weird ass, creative mind could come up with (oh yeah definitely failed on the gifts this year sorry boys). But, that's OK because I know they love me anyways. I always look forward to coming home and sitting by the tree cuddled in a blanket, watching TV. I've done A LOT of that already. I've enjoyed it quite a bit actually, but I think that working in retail with all the Grinches of the holiday coming to celebrate by getting gifts that people will never use/wear is really hindering my happiness.

I've come to realize that I am really not that sociable of a person, I like to keep to my close friends, and just listen and watch the rest of the people around. Correct me if you think this is untrue. I guess most people can kind of see that I'm not the most opening of people, but it's because I have a lot of trust issues. I don't like to open up because I am afraid of being hurt. Not that other people aren't afraid of being hurt either, but I'm just quicker at closing myself off to people. I mean I'm pretty sure I know why, but it's kind of sad that people who barely know me have noticed that I do this. People who know a lot about me notice this too, it's just strange when you hear it from multiple people in a short time span.

As much as I say I don't care about how other people perceive me, I really do. I kind of think that's absolutely disgusting actually. I don't want to care; I guess that's why I come off as a loner because I don't want to give people the chance to judge me.
Who knows. Just some things I've noticed lately. I don't want to be closed off to people, but I've noticed myself doing just that through many time periods in my life. I don't want to do that to my college friends, and I'm almost afraid that what I've done to other people might actually happen to me with all of the people I've grown close to in the last couple of years. I'm going to try harder. I don't want to cut myself off anymore.

Into the Caverns of Tomorrow with just our Flashlights and our Love

At the Bottom of Everything could quite possibly be my favorite Bright Eyes song. Not many of you may know my obsession with the band Bright Eyes, but it runs long and hard (that's what she said). I do have to thank my ex-boyfriend Zach for introducing me to the band that has been one of the most impacting of my life. I mean, one of my tattoos is based off of lyrics from We are Nowhere and It's Now and I couldn't be happier about that life choice.

Anyways, back to the basics of that line. I just feel the need to really push forward lately, ready for what the next day brings me. It just reminds me to come back to what I should really be concentrating on. I shouldn't worry about the craziness, I should be ready to jump in to the next crazy thing. With all of my Love and Passion even if the future is dark and unknown.

Can I just say that I love the word passion? Strange I know, and I'm sure this blog is pretty much pointless, but I just felt it needed to be written. I'm jumping in head first in to the unknown and I'm excited about it! I feel like I'm finally getting to a point in my life where I can appreciate it and step back and watch things as they happen.
I'm ready for whatever is coming.
Bring it.

Last Dance With Mary Jane, One More Time to Kill the Pain

I love Tom Petty. A Lot. I can honestly say that "Last Dance with Mary Jane" is my all time favorite song by him, and I can never get enough of the video. I know it's creepy but I used to watch it on VH1 all the time, there's always been something about it that has pulled me in. Odd because maybe that song has a few undertones of marijuana? OK maybe more that a few. Interestingly I have NEVER done marijuana in my life.

I used to be extremely against it. Not because I was one of those hardcore kids who stayed in the DARE program for life (not that I have anything against that), but because of all the things my dad had been through and the stories he told me of his friends. My dad did A LOT of pot, and a lot of other things too. Many a times he still tells me he should have kept with dope instead of working as a mechanic (hahahaha). But, the stories he's told me about what happened to him while he was doing drugs, the things that are happening or happened to his friends that killed them, it just hasn't appealed to me. I am very worried that I have the addictive personality that he does and if I tried it I would become addicted to it.

Now that's not saying I don't think about trying it. I mean I feel like a hypocrite because I drink and that's just as addictive as marijuana. I guess I'll give you some of the examples of what I mean. My dad's best friend committed suicide pretty quickly after my dad got married, he had always had a lot of anger issues, but one day he just up and left. My dad has always connected that with drugs, but I've honestly never heard the full story because not many people want to talk about what happened. One of my dad's other best friends died 2 years ago from Diabetes. Diabetes at 50, that was so bad that he couldn't even move up and down stairs, all linked back to the way he treated himself and his body through the use of drugs.

So no, it's not a whole moral thing that I'm against it, I'm just scared to death of the consequences of it. I guess I'm following my father's footsteps, and staying away from it to set an example of life and how it can be enjoyable without drugs. I can't ever imagine the pain my dad has gone through and is going through with all of this. For all of you out there that has asked me to try it, or wanted me to, this is my reasoning as to why I've held back for so long. I do hope you understand.